So Casually Cruel

“All Too Well” is one of my favorite Taylor songs. When I was preparing for a bad breakup I listened to this song on repeat. There are so many lines I could dissect that reminded me of my relationship with my ex. We had been through so much together and I felt like he was getting ready to throw all of that away.

“Back before you lost the one real thing you’ve ever known” is a line that spoke to me. A guy I dated once told me all of his secrets and said I was the closest person in his life. I played the role of a lover and a best friend for him, as he did for me. He told me I was his forever and always and that I was his rock.

Then he broke up with me.

He hadn’t found someone else or fallen out of love with me. He just realized I was no longer a priority in his life. Love was no longer a priority. He now lived for a career and a newfound dream for status.

My heart broke. First for myself, but when the dust finally cleared I realized it was broken for him. What kind of life is it to have your heart beat only for yourself? To not have relationships that move you to your core?

I realized I would have those — I already had them with my close friends and family — and prayed for his sake that he would realize what would truly make him happy in life. I still hope he’s happy, it’s just not my job to help him along that journey anymore.

Today’s lesson: Everyone has different priorities in life. One thing isn’t necessarily better than another, but you should find someone who is on the same page as you in that regard.

 

New Music Monday

In my adventures with Audrey* yesterday she introduced me to a new song that she said seemed like perfect lyrics for me — and they sure were! I’ve looked at more of her music and am kind of obsessed with Alessia Cara now. This music video is kind of goofy, but just listen to the lyrics. So. Darn. Catchy!

This is what loving someone after your heart has been broken feels like.

*I have two best friends named Audrey! This time my post is all about my beautiful photographer/blogger/ex pageant queen, but current badass friend.

Anxiety Isn’t Love

One thing about love is that you sometimes don’t understand how it works. I think we often mistake anxiety for feelings of love.

Taylor Swift’s music has always spoken to me, and Out of The Woods was my anthem with a guy who was once in my life. When the acoustic version of the song came out, Taylor introduced it perfectly. I could so relate to every word she said and felt like she was speaking about my connection to this gentleman.

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Things with us felt so shaky and I never knew when what we had might just decide to crash and burn. I felt myself slipping down further and further on his list of priorities and did everything I felt was humanly possible to try to pull him back towards me. Nothing worked.

After months of feeling like this I finally realized we were falling apart.

We still had fun when we were together, but I was so up and down and didn’t realize that wasn’t normal. I cried as much as I laughed with him, but my feelings were so all over the place that I mistook them for butterflies. I thought that was the way love was supposed to feel and that even though I wasn’t currently a priority of his, that I would be one day.

Now I realize I wouldn’t have ever come before things like work in the future for him if I wasn’t even in a dating relationship. I would never have been a priority in the way I want to make someone mine in my life. Relationships just don’t work if you’re not on the same page with the really important things in life.

Today’s lesson: It isn’t normal to feel like your relationship is always on the verge of breaking. You deserve to be with someone who makes you feel secure. I promise those kind of relationships do exist, even though it might not feel like it when you are used to being on edge.

Kentucky Vibes

The last time I was in Kentucky visiting my grandparents was when I was in the darkest place in my life. It was about a year ago, and I had just been diagnosed with depression — I couldn’t think about anything other than my tanking relationship.

I honestly don’t remember anything that happened last summer until we broke up. All I could focus on and think about was him, and I kept trying to keep it together knowing that the man I was supposed to be walking through life with was slowly marching out of it and leaving a ruined girl behind him.

He told me he wanted to be with me, but pushed me away when I tried to come to him. He had new priorities now, and I wasn’t included in the list.

I cried myself to sleep every night, but never actually slept. I couldn’t seem to focus on the present, and felt so sick that I couldn’t eat, and shrunk down to skin and bones. I tried to laugh whenever I found the chance, but the only thing that seemed to come out were tears. I was a zombie walking around in the shell of a very empty person.

I have never felt so alone in my life. I was so sad and helpless until everything just turned numb.

Today is completely different. I am a new woman. Not only have I gained a new strength that no one will be able to take away from me like he did, but I am also smarter and learned so many lessons from my ex. I will never, ever settle for someone who doesn’t greatly enrich my life. The sun is shining on my face today and I can actually feel its warmth on my cheeks. I have had great conversations with my grandparents and feel present while I’ve been here.

I’m not shooting to be happy every day of my life — that isn’t realistic. My focus is to be content. Now that I am free, that is exactly the way I feel. Content.

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He Was A Runner

The crisp weather signifying the end of winter reminds me of him.

The fall before I got sick we trained for my half marathon together. We would run for hours or meet at the campus dining hall after a long run. He encouraged me and pushed me to do better. If it hadn’t been for his love of the sport I’m not sure that I would have found my new love of distance running.

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It was a way to quiet my mind and enjoy the peace that nature had to offer. Nothing could touch me as I ran for hours.

Little did I know this would be one of the last times we ran together. Later I would find myself chasing someone who didn’t want to be caught — he couldn’t be caught. His heart belonged to himself and didn’t have room for another.

Chasing someone is exhausting, especially after you do it long enough. You can be the strongest person in the world, but you will eventually become emotionally drained.

Find someone you don’t have to chase. Be with someone who wants to hold your hand and walk through life with you. Someone who will stop to smell the roses and enjoy the beautiful scenery life has to offer.

Let him run alone if that’s what makes his heart beat fast. I will be with the man who’s heart races for me instead.

 

 

Recognizing Emotional Abuse

He made me feel needy. But he also made me feel like I needed him. It was a twisted cycle I was thrown around in until I didn’t know which direction was up.

I didn’t get reassurance that I was truly loved, but was told another man would never care for me the way he did. Other men may lust for me, but they wouldn’t want to be with me. He said I would never find someone who treated me the way he did. Other men would pressure me to do things I didn’t feel comfortable with, yet I found myself worn down by him. He told me if I loved him I would do things to make him happy, even though I wasn’t ready.

I later found an article on “emotional abuse,” and he fit the category. I cried alone in my room as I realized that even I could get lost in the blurred lines of an unhealthy relationship.

You never think bad things will happen to you — that you’re smarter than that. It is so clear when you see a friend being mistreated, but it’s harder to realize that when you’re in so deep yourself and you trust your partner to not hurt you.

Scars, though faded, still remain, but the deep and painful wounds are finally healed. The scars are important to keep — not only to remind myself of how much stronger I am now, but also to serve as an example to others. By showing off my own battle wounds, I will hopefully help someone else dodge a bullet. I won’t take shit from anyone again, and now I actually have a chance for my forever and always to be a 1 Corinthians 13 man.

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If you feel like something isn’t right in your relationship, please seek help. This relationship changed very gradually from being happy, carefree, and healthy, to an enormous mess of emotional abuse, depression, and anxiety. This is not normal and there are so many better things out there for you. I feel so strongly about this and about being treated the way you deserve — with respect and love. I am always happy to talk and help you find the resources you need, and I will be sharing more of my story of recovery on here.

My Six Word Love Story

I fell in love on accident.

This is my six word love story.

As you all know, I have been dating around for about 7 months now. There is one particular gentleman, though, I can’t seem to shake. He was one of the first guys I went out with, and has just kind of stuck. We really hit it off from day one and I’ve grown more fond of him every day.

This is so ironic because as soon as I was done with my long-term relationship I decided I wanted to take a lot of time to date around and fully enjoy single life. I didn’t in a million years think I’d meet someone so incredibly special so fast.

He’s an army man, possibly the funniest person I’ve ever met, thoughtful, a gentleman, and genuinely selfless. He supports me (Including this blog and my need to be single until I’ve figured out more about what I want in a future relationship), and is loyal and kind. We get each other and are on the same wavelength. My best friend and I have always been able to read each other’s minds, but I’ve never had this kind of relationship with a guy before.

The timing of this is so weird. I have fallen for someone at a time when I wanted to take awhile to be single and casually date around, and he had just decided to stop dating until he got back from his deployment. It’s off for both of us, but we are such a great fit that we aren’t going to let everything fizzle out. We’re going to keep in touch and see where things go when he gets back — and I absolutely cannot wait.

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Buddy the Elf gets it.

In the meantime, I am going to be taking time getting to know myself better and what I want. I’m not giving up my life to a guy like I did with my ex, and I have overwhelming peace that everything is going to fall in place. Although it is early and I want to be careful with my heart, I think this guy and I could have a bright future. Love is scary and vulnerable, but I think it has to be in order to eventually find someone who will be a good fit for you and stick.

Today’s lesson: Love really does come to you when you’re least expecting it. As inconvenient as it seems sometimes I do believe things happen for a reason. I will be writing about this in the near future, but have realized if my ex and I hadn’t broken up at the time we did, I wouldn’t have found this incredible guy I am so crazy about. Timing can really be key, and why waste it with someone who doesn’t make you feel happy and secure in your relationship?

Free

Breakups from a serious relationship are so strange.

When you’re with someone long enough, they become a part of your routine. You have little inside jokes and holiday traditions but then, in a second, all of this is gone.

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I wrote this in my journal the day of my first breakup.

Sometimes you see a plane and remember how you used to be long distance. Any time you were flying it was to see him. You sit on the playground with the kids you nanny and think about the time you talked your way out of trouble with a policeman while you were swinging late at night, and about the stargazing you did there together. You don’t usually think of him when you eat pizza, but sometimes take a moment to reminisce about the dozens of times he came over to make one together. You’d laugh as his inexperienced hands kneaded the dough while he asked if he was doing it right a million times.

It’s great being able to look back at a relationship and smile — it shows that at least some of it was real. Some of the memories are happy, but at the end of the day you realize sometimes when something is broken it isn’t meant to be fixed. It couldn’t have been fixed, and although you tried, you finally realize you’re moving on to something new. You’re finding something that will actually belong to you, instead of just something fleeting, something borrowed. He wasn’t really yours, and never will be, but you’re okay with that.

For the first time, you realize your life is going to be more than just fine. It’s going to be great — without him. This is what it is to be free.

I Am Finally Clean.

This is a little bit heavier than almost anything I will ever post on here, but I like to keep things real and would love for you all to know a little more of my story.

I’m 24 and have just had one serious boyfriend.

I’ve never really been boy crazy, and I consider myself a really independent person. Even from a young age I’ve always been good at being myself regardless of the environment I’m in, and even when I am seeing someone my good friends are always a priority in my life. I don’t believe in losing yourself and giving your life completely to someone else; rather, I think they should be a great addition to life.

Anyway, even with a good head on my shoulders, I never realized just how unhealthy my relationship was in it’s last year until I got out of it.

I think we’d both agree the breakup was “mutual,” but sadly I didn’t end things when they became unfair to me. I stayed in a really hard, kind of messed up situation a lot longer than I’m proud of.

I’m a fixer and am far too patient for my own good. I almost always put others first, even when I shouldn’t, and I trust people — especially those who I am closest to.

I was in the classic situation where everything became centered around what my significant other wanted, and neglected my own needs.

Guys, this all happened while I had been dealing with a serious chronic illness. The biggest red flag is when you are going through something life-changing and your partner can’t make the time to be there for you. In sickness and in health is one of the most important vows you will make in your life, and you better be sure the person you want to spend forever with has your back too.

Leaving was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done — I was essentially losing a best friend of 5 years — but it’s honestly one of the best decisions I have made.

I have now made room to find someone who will make me a priority, and I am so excited to eventually be with a man who will be just as selfless in our relationship as I will be. Love is all about compromise and putting someone else’s needs along side your own, and I can’t wait to be in a relationship that looks like that again one day.

In the meantime I am enjoying having extra time to snuggle with my puppy, read, write, and continue to improve myself. After all, I will be with me for the rest of my life, so why not try to be the best Krista I can be?

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Taylor Swift’s song “Clean” is on point.