Don’t Be A “Fixer”

You know how people sometimes think if something major in their life changes their relationship will automatically get fixed? I’ve always thought this goofy reasoning — until I felt completely trapped in a very unhappy, unhealthy relationship and didn’t know how to end it.

They say hindsight is 20/20, but they* also say love is blind.

Oh, boy, are they right.

I felt like I’ve always had a good head on my shoulders and am pretty self-aware (Yes, I do know I am an over-sharer and write a little too much about love on social media, but what else am I supposed to do with a dating blog?!). I suppose I was even back then, as I noticed the gut-wrenching nausea and overwhelming sadness when I really thought about our relationship, but I shoved the feeling back as best as I possibly could. After all, one day things could be better. It was a long shot, but maybe I was actually the exception to the rule. Maybe it was just the long distance taking a toll on us, or maybe it was just extra stress from having a chronic illness. After all, I reasoned to myself, I wasn’t used to being sick yet. How could my boyfriend be?

Back then I was a “fixer.” Not in the great sense of putting work into a relationship to make it more beautiful, but instead forcing myself to believe that everything in our relationship would be fixed once our circumstances changed. News flash: Anyone who has seen He’s Just Not That Into You should absolutely know they are never the exception to the rule. This is just something we tell ourselves when we are terrified to leave a bad situation.

screen-shot-2016-11-28-at-1-10-58-pm

Things got so bad that I finally had the thought that at least whenever I eventually had children I would have some sweet little companions who would actually want to spend time with me.

Ugh. I cringe so hard just writing all of this.

What does this have to do with my relationship with this individual? Why in the world wouldn’t I want both a great husband and wonderful kids? You don’t have to choose just one. How would something as difficult as adding little human beings that you have to raise and take care of every single day help make a relationship any better? If anything it can definitely be a (rewarding) strain on a relationship; not something that will glue it back together.

Sometimes relationships that are broken aren’t meant to be fixed. If you haven’t made a lifelong commitment to an individual it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been dating; you don’t owe them an unlimited amount of time to try and fix things. There might be a very important reason your relationship is so broken — you just aren’t meant for each other.

Now that my head is clear and I’ve learned some very valuable life lessons, I realize that trying to fix someone into being your “perfect match” is a terrible way to live life. If they don’t understand your love language or make you feel cared for, find someone else who will. If your partner doesn’t want to spend time with you or blames everything that is difficult in life on you, find someone who will hold your hand and help you through the rough patches, rather than throw his hands up and complain about them. You deserve to be with someone who knows your worth, and shouldn’t have to fight for someone you care about to love you back.

Today’s lesson: If you feel trapped dating someone, he probably isn’t the right person for you. A relationship is healthy if there are a few disagreements here and there — that’s what makes it real — but your love life shouldn’t be a battlefield. It should be a place you feel safe, secure, and comfortable in, rather than on anxious and on edge.


*Whoever the heck “they” is.

9 thoughts on “Don’t Be A “Fixer”

    • singleinthesuburbs01 says:

      I think so many people are and we don’t try to be, but it’s almost harder sometimes to sit back and watch how things go naturally than trying to make them be what we want them to be. It’s taken a lot of work (And I’m still working on it!), but I’m finally accepting people as who they are, and fitting them into my life after seeing their true colors, rather than trying to fit them into my life. If that makes sense!

      Liked by 2 people

    • singleinthesuburbs01 says:

      I totallyyyy understand that. I used to be miserable trying so hard to make my ex happy, and it still never seemed to work. I think sometimes you do have the power to help change things for the better, but when it’s about changing someone else it gets a lot more complicated. It’s been so hard and taken a LOT of work, but I’m finally able to take a step back and see who people really are instead of trying to make them something that fits the mold I want them to.

      Like

  1. fathergodlovesyou says:

    Hello, I have daughters your age and they are both in a good place with partners. I’ve always tried to help them see that happiness is not dependent upon circumstances, it comes from having a heart at peace, being with someone who has the same values as you, who accepts you as you are and appreciates those unique qualities that only you have, someone who raises you up . If these are not present, then why be in a relationship at all? Surrendering to God and asking Him to intervene can lead you to the right person. My daughters have come around to that way of thinking.

    Liked by 1 person

    • singleinthesuburbs01 says:

      That is such wise advice, and makes for a much happier relationship. I agree with you completely! I’m so happy to hear your daughters are both happy and that they have already learned this lesson. It is so amazing to see other young people in secure relationships.

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s